Hatchback Limousine

Got A Minute? Why Not Read This Shit Its Only Like 3 Paragraphs

2009-07-26T19:06:00.000-07:00

If you didn't already know, uncle dmax came through this weekend and all we have to show for it is hot painful diarrhea and lots of recycling. This can be explained by 2 days consuming nothing but Mexican food and booze a.k.a. the philly taco diet. That very taco fling ended a serious burger obsession that lasted for over 3 weeks. If I wasnt grilling burgers outside, I was whippin' em up on the George Foreman. For dinner, I was noshing at burger destinations like Good Dog and and Graces Tavern on the reg. It was pretty intense.

So dmax comes into town and we hit up Johnny Brendas, who also happen to have great burgers. Anyway, I forget my I.D. and our waitress isn't gonna let me drink. Bummer. The rest of our party orders pitchers of beers and their food. While we are eating, I'm chugging beers while the waitress isn't looking and we had two:

1. One of us should regularly leave their I.D. behind and we'll see how drunk we can get them before the waitress notices he/she is drunk.
2. See if the waitress knowingly processes my card to pay for all of the beer she wouldn't let me drink.

Full of God's gift to the human stomache, beer and burgers, we motion for the check. When she brings it over I quickly offer up my card before she has a chance to walk away. Needless to say, she quickly grabs my card and processes it without batting an eye. Being of-age to drink, she didn't do anything wrong besides be enough of a bitch to make this blog. If I would have been under 21, all of her I.D. mongering would have gone to waste. So thanks for entertaining us at your expense (sort of my expense since I footed the bill for this little experiment). Hear this waitress at Johnny Brendas: you shot your tip right in the balls.

Bucket Of Truth Discovered In NEP

2009-07-26T14:13:00.000-07:00

This morning I woke up bewildered and confused. To my surprise I did not have a hangover this morning despite the 12+ beers and the handle of gin that we polished off last night. Sans hangover I popped up out of bed to discover a text message from good ol' uncle dmax, "Maybe we forgot the gin I'm like not hung over at all."

Anyway, this just in: Gin Buckets Fucking Rule. Have you ever heard of that old hangover remedy where you drink ginger ale to ease your stomach? Well dmax and I found a gin bucket recipe that's mad simple where you can drink as much as you fuck please, and not have a hangover. The recipe that we found wasn't as ambitious as we would have liked, so we customized it by hiking up the booze content. The recipe follows:

1 2liter bottle of ginger ale
3 3/4 cups of gin (Gordons hollerrr!)
1/3 cup of lemon juice

So, we mixed all that shit together in a pitcher and served them in tall glasses with plenty of ice. No one could taste a lick of booze. They were crisp, clean, and potent, utterly delish. Let me break from praising these things for a second by saying that it was probably 100 degrees farenheit and humid as all hell yesterday and we were searching for something to get wasted on that was light and refreshing, and the Gin Bucket was the perfect answer. We got superdrunk and came to this conclusion: The Gin Bucket is the official HatchbackLimo drink of the summer (even though summr is half over). With the gin bucket and my summer reading list, this summer staycation should turn out to be pretty awesome.

Morton's Kosher Salt Thinks We're All Slugs And Is Trying To Kill Us With Their On-The-Box Recipes

2009-07-09T14:59:00.000-07:00

On the back of a 3 pound box of coarse kosher salt, this recipe is featured.
16 large shrimp
2 tablespoons soy sauce
1 tablespoon if fresh ginger
1 box of Morton Kosher Salt (3 pounds)

.... Three pounds? Are you serious? How much salt could actually come in contact with the surface of the shrimp and have an impact on flavor? There comes a point, say around one cup, where if you're using that much salt, you are either curing meat or retarded. The recipes goes on to have you pour the whole box of salt onto a baking sheet and bake the shrimp lying on the bed of salt, rendering 99% of all that salt useless and utterly wasted. Good job Morton's, I bet somebody, somewhere fell for your trick to sell more boxes of salt most people buy once a decade. But at what cost? Was it worth insulting and alienating all of your rational customers?

The Fast Track To Medicinal Marijuana

2009-06-30T20:39:00.000-07:00

Waaayyy back in the time before medical marijuana, potheads used to joke about all of the diseases pot could be used to treat like hunger, lack of sense of humor, boredom, anxiety and insomnia. Thanks to advances in medicine, marijuana, and law, we now have medical marijuana in many states, including our fine neighbors to the east, New Jersey. And so now that medical marijuana exists, we don't really get to joke about all of the diseases that pot could cure. Big Pharma figured out that pot could be used to treat real diseases like Alzheimer's, nausea, anxiety, schizophrenia, inflammation, and glaucoma.

Ahhh glaucoma, a glimmer of hope in an otherwise hopeless world for the pothead who someday dreams of picking up fat bags of KB at Rite Aid. People used to joke, "Man if I only had glaucoma, I could get fire nugs and my dads insurance would pay for it!" For years potheads speculated on the causes of glaucoma and somehow came to the conclusion that only grandmas got to smoke government shrubs to treat glaucoma. Well speculate no more friends because the new GSK product Veramyst, a nasal spray used to treat seasonal allergy symptoms, will give you glaucoma.

So now, instead of complaining to your doctor that you have excess eye pressure and can't stop the voices in your head, you can just tell him that every spring and fall you get itchy, watery eyes, and clogged sinuses. Heck, go against everything you've been taught: ask the doctor for Veramyst by name. I know some of you are probably freaking out right now because if you have ever tried to get Vicodin or Xanax from your doctor by asking him for them by name, you know it probably wont work. Trust me guys, ask him for Veramyst, he'll never put it together. Once you get the goods, you're in the clear. Just use as directed and in a few years you'll have fully fledged glaucoma, for reals this time. And who knows, in the meantime you may finally get to enjoy simple pleasures like raking leaves and sniffing flowers. No one will ever be smart enough to figure out that you are willing to take a medication you don't need, to cause a medical problem you don't have, so you can score weed you can't afford to pay for anymore.

I'm Just Going To Put These Here...

2009-06-23T21:51:00.000-07:00

More Hatin' On Ohio: Gun Toting Pastor Arrests Former NHL Superstar

2009-06-09T21:17:00.000-07:00

Former Detroit Red Wing Kevin Miller was recently arrested in Ohio after a week of menacing children in a green women's swimsuit. Just more proof that Ohio is rich with characters. Oh, and did you know that gun-toting pastor and Ohio native, Ken Pagano was the one who initially apprehended the NHL superstar? On that note, the city of Cleveland welcomes you with open arms...

At Least You Don't Live In Cincinnati

2009-06-09T17:53:00.000-07:00

Chihuahuas are nasty, negative, and vicious animals that regularly show aggression and ill-will towards humans, in spite of all that we've done for them. They seem to forget that we Americans rescued them from a life doomed to hunger and pain in Mexico. Some dog breeding associations affectionately refer to the chihuahua as the little bastard (el bastardo pequeño). And if you've ever seen another dog meet a chihuahua for the first time you would understand. The chihuahua insists on barking, biting, and trying to dominate the other dog no matter how big and bad ass it is. Which usually just ends up pissing off the bigger dog.

Although acting like bad-asses has gotten countless chihuahuas ripped to shreds by pit bulls, it has been paying off for those that manage to survive. All of their smack talk scared the shit out of a cougar back in March. Word is: the chihuahua is gaining street cred'. The problem with chihuahuas stems from their flagrant disrespect for the law. I bet you didn't know they roll 5 deep and attack police officers on the reg. Cops know how dangerous these little bastards are and they've already started sticking up for themselves. You can only push a man so far...

Two officers, responding to a call about a dog terrorizing a Cincinnati suburb, were forced to shoot and taser the violent, 5 lb. chihuahua mix after it turned on the officers. My heart goes out to the owners, whose dog escaped from their back yard while attending a funeral, but they knew what they were doing when they bought their son one of the most vicious dog breeds known to man. I guess the lesson here is that police officers are trained to shoot people not dogs. That's what the ASPCA is for. But I suspect foul play...is it just me or is Reno 911 getting more and more like real life?

Health Insurers Invest Billions In Big Tobacco And Softcore Porn, Nobody Gives A Shit

2009-06-07T00:25:00.000-07:00

Mmmmm thats hot.. err uh-creepy. I'm glad that I don't have a fetish that involves me watching girls smoking cigarettes and not doing anything else sexual whatsoever... Some of our nations biggest health insurers have billions of dollars invested in tobacco companies and very softcore sexy-cig-smoking porn companies. Did that surprise anyone? Apparently not. Ever since the truth (I do have what it takes to be a big tobacco exec) about cigarettes has been revealed people have been doing pretty much whatever the fuck they want. I just feel bad for the dude who spends more money per month on cigs than on his insurance premiums. BTW I'm hammered.

Chinese Authorities Play Into The Hands Of Western Media

2009-06-05T12:37:00.000-07:00

One reporter was quoted saying "That was a relief. For a minute there I thought I was going to have to do a piece about an empty square."

The world's next great superpower has gone from being the Starring Actor in 1984's Smash Broadway Hit, 'Tanks and Despots', to waving parasols around vainly while getting off daydreaming about the brutality, thrills, and utter fun the Limey Cops were having at the G20.

What has happened to the world? And how the fuck is 'green' so damn fashionable, but no one's talking about the color?

You Know You're Dirty When You Look At Someone Else's Filth And Think They Need To Stop Bitching

2009-06-04T22:07:00.000-07:00

Sorry Frank but you're not that impressive. Come back when you've been growing on a humid windowsill for months. I don't want to see any more mold pictures until they're so big they can supply diabetics with insulin.

World Class Douche Bag Bagged Yet Again, Due For Swift Kick In Nuts

2009-06-04T21:54:00.000-07:00

All-Pro douche bag Paul Baldwin was arrested for the 153rd time this week. Apparently dude was arrested this time after punching some other dude in the face while drunk and trespassing. Recently released from a one year jail term for stealing a $2 can of beer, the 49 year old admits to having an aversion to booze and violence.

If justice system ever failed, this is a prime example. Or maybe the justice system just couldn't do anything for this moron. The guy has an arrest record dating back to '84. Some people are so stupid they just can't take the hint: Stop fucking getting hammered and punching your now former friends in the face. The sooner that message gets through his thick drunk skull the sooner he can focus his energy on something bigger like attempted murder, armed robbery, or hell why not, vehicular homicide if he's a licensed driver of course. Then again, I don't think that would matter much to Paul and I doubt the guy has enough brains to steal a car let alone maintain payments on one. The guy is obviously begging to be institutionalized, just lock him up now before he inevitably kills, robs, or runs over somebody.

Thrill Of Covert Masturbation Waning, Bing Brings Porn To Your Cubicle

2009-06-04T08:11:00.000-07:00

Well thanks to the awesome new search engine Bing, you can now watch porno at work. Finally someone figured out a way to bring porn to the masses even if their firewall settings strictly prohibit porn because there is nothing that will jump-start productivity like a quick cumshot video before a sales meeting. If you do a video search for your favorite pornstar like Riley Mason or Lindsey Meadows you'll be able to watch her videos by just mousing over them. And it couldn't come a moment too soon; the thrill of quietly beating off in the bathroom while pretending to take a shit was starting to wear off. Thanks Bing, this ones for you.

Cable TV Is Evil

2009-06-03T11:13:00.000-07:00

Apparently though, it's not a necessary evil. I enjoy not having it, and used to supplement my cravings using internet tv, piracy, and any other measures I deemed necessary:

[from www.dinosaursfuckingrobots.com] - basically one of the only things I like on the site.

In all seriousness, Cable is evil (and don't even get me started on the fucking racket being run by the providers). The computer I'm using has a sound card which apparently needs black magic to work properly, in addition to any of a billion different drivers I've tried installing. The point is, I've been without a reliable source for what you might call 'TV,' and I think there's some real benefits. I've read three books in the past week, will probably read two more this week, and I find it much more enjoyable than staring slack-jawed at a screen for hours on end.

Not that I'm against owning a TV or anything (DVD's are great), I just think there's something to be gained from eliminating 400 channels of shit you don't really want to watch/buy, all those fucking retarded commercials, and 3 million episodes of Friends/3 and a Half Men/Moesha/Wings/Taxi/Insert Whatever SitCom you've probably already seen from your life.